What is Missed?

What is really missed?

An emotional, personal, sensitive issue reared its head recently in my life…

My ex-sister-in-law made a choice for her daughter, my niece, in a life situation; I don’t agree with her parenting decision, to say the least.  The following is a record of my thoughts as if it were a conversation with an adult, a parent, or my ex-sister-in-law.

“Please understand, regardless of how mature a child may seem…they’re still a child, with a child’s perspective and experience.  They need guidance.  If a 13-year-old is left to their own decisions and devices, they would stay up all night watching R-rated movies, sleep until the afternoon, and have cake and Diet Coke for every meal.  Not that they don’t have direction.

Children go to school.  That’s their “job.” It’s important.  Grown adults go to work.  That’s their job, along with many other duties and responsibilities that come along with being an adult; often, children aren’t even aware of these additional adult duties and responsibilities.  Grown adults with life experience take time away from their jobs, duties, and responsibilities to focus on immediate priorities that arise…emergency room visits, spousal crises, relationship drama, etc.  That short list is of things that cannot be planned for, and they are all intrapersonal interactions. 

Grown adults (professionals with careers and respect in their fields because of performance and accomplishments) who have life experience, take time off from their jobs to interact with others in times of need.  Employers give employees time and permission to attend funerals, for example, because humans need a support network and time to grieve.  Children should be taught, even though funerals are seldom fun events, that family is priority and attendance is mandatory.  It’s what compassionate, empathetic, well-adjusted people do.

School is not more important in this case.  There isn’t a good teacher who would fully understand an absence and make all accommodations to ease a child’s stress over missing school.  Advice from an 8^th grade teacher (of Accelerated, required, and elective courses), “Child, go be with your family as long as you can. They need you.  You’re a conscientious student and you have nothing to worry about here.”

Skipping funerals, choosing not to support family, leaves a person alone in their twilight.  Surrounded by what, then?  Their educational and career achievements?  Those things cannot stroke your hair or hold your hand or comfort anyone the way they need.  As a parent, you’ve failed at this opportunity to guide an inexperienced, impressionable, driven young person.  The cat’s in the cradle. 

No one is permanently hurt in this selfish act except the child.  Temporarily, you may have hurt people that she cares about, even if you have no love for them, but ultimately you’ve hurt your daughter.  She will look back at this someday and realize that it was you who was supposed to help her make the right decision, but instead you derailed the lesson because of vindictiveness. 

If your child has learned the lesson you’ve taught her in this situation, she will be too busy with her career to comfort and mourn you as you take your final breaths and descend to the place that surely has reserved seating for people like you.”

I know, harsh ending.

The reason I decided to blog about this is because it relates to education (importance or otherwise, depending on the situation), priorities, life, children, parenting, and my personal beliefs.  Often times, we have beliefs (some strong, some not) that deserve to be reevaluated.  When I became so emotionally charged over something that was completely out of my control, I decided to be reflective and understand why I believe what I believe and why I have such strong emotion about it.  After reflecting and evaluating, I quickly recognize my niece’s influence in this situation as someone very similar to the controllers in my life at the same formative time.  Parenting is one of my passions.  That is completely opposite of my parents’ outlook on parenting.  I am quickly disgusted by people who don’t make parenting with wisdom their priority.  I tend to be less forgiving than I probably could be.  At the end of all of my reflection and self-identifying in this situation, I know why I feel the way I feel and have decided how I have come to my perspective and am comfortable with my stance.